One time I asked God this silly question:
“Lord, aren’t you scared of loving?
Knowing the tendencies of what pain it could bring, why are you still choosing to love?”
I fell asleep with no answer,
and woke up forgetting what I asked…
until I saw mom.
I saw her wrinkled face. I saw lines of years of battle for love — for reasons I long to understand.
Something took me backward to the good old days when I was just that little stubborn girl. And I can tell, she fought wars for me when my headstrong pride fought with her.
I stared at her from a distance and couldn’t help but adore her.
Unconsciously, my questions are answered. As if a voice whispered these to my heart:
Love takes risk.
You know it’s love when the hands are shaking but still choose to hold on.
Love doesn’t calculate.
You know it’s love when it never calculates — it never counts what it may lose but always considers what more it could give.
Love is selfless.
You know it’s love when it is willing to die for itself to give life.
You know it’s love when it chooses to stay, no matter what.
Love never fails.
You know it’s love when it never changes.
Then I realized, if that’s what love is, then we’re all a failure.
We must have forgotten how to love, or we never get to learn what it is.
I suddenly felt so ashamed — of my questions, of myself, of all my biases.
When I thought I was the one hurting from a broken heart,
when I thought I was the victim of broken promises,
when I thought I was the one who has the right to complain over unfaithfulness,
I never realized, I was the unfaithful one.
I was the one who broke my promises.
I was the one to blame why His heart was breaking.
I left Him.
I’ve been selfish.
I only thought of my gain.
I’ve been a coward.
I could not understand why He still loved me despite all these. And that made me understand what true love is: that true love is God Himself.
When everything we thought to be the “love” we’re looking for has failed us, we will realize that the Love we’ve been ignoring for so long has won us. Because where the best of human love ends, the finest of God’s love divine begins.
God is the love we’ve been looking for.
Hence, it can never be found elsewhere than at the foot of the cross — the place where faithfulness was defined and where promises are proven.
God is the love we’ve left in search of others.
Let our brokenness point us back to Him.
“For I am the Lord, I change not… Even from the days of your fathers ye are gone away from mine ordinances, and have not kept them. Return unto me, and I will return unto you, saith the Lord of hosts.”Malachi 3:6-7